Thursday, August 13, 2015


You know that Alanis Morisette song? Ironic? 

"A traffic jam when you're already late, a no smoking sign on your cigarette's like 10,000 spoons when all you need is a knife." 

Yeah, that one. 

6 months have passed since I walked away from a career. I knew it was time to go. Every day, I'd look out the window and I swear I'd see a flashing sign that says "You have choices. Stop wasting your life doing something that makes you feel this awful." 

You'd think I was dissecting children for a living. No, I was just selling groceries. Utterly bored and uninspired, but earning a salary. The only thing (well, a couple of people, too) that I dearly miss. 

I had prayed for 4 years (at least) that the company would offer severance packages. I was not quiet about wanting to volunteer for one if the option was ever there. It would be the perfect scenario. I would get a year of salary while I was soul searching. It's easier to figure life out when you don't have to worry about money. My wish never came. And I was so tired of depending on a "what-if" scenario as my escape route. 

Yesterday, the company came through. My favorite co-worker received her golden ticket. The holy grail package. She gets to go and for a year, will be paid to do whatever it is that she wants to do. Did someone just kick me in the stomach? 

There Alanis, put that in your ironic pipe and smoke it.

I have no idea why life works this way but the dots are supposed to connect some day. We all get what we need, but without understanding the larger picture, it's hard not to wonder why it appears to work for some and not others. 

I'm living in envy land right now. When you're self-employed and working alone, you need to find a ladder out of this place. Stat! It's unproductive and self destructing to live here. 

Since I don't know how the dots connect, I'm going to assume that I needed the experience. The thought rungs to get me out of this envy land;

-Maybe I needed the experience to trust my inner whispers enough to make the decision to go without a safety net. 
-the experience to be gutsy, to believe in myself without knowing the future
-maybe I needed the kick so I could have a success story one day that is a testament to "following your inner compass".
-maybe I inspired one other person to act on their heart

I'm not sure of much lately, but I do know we have the power to chose our reactions. Every single one of them. 

I'm going to choose to keep trudging along. To just "do me" and know there has to be something to all this "follow your joy" propaganda. 

I'm going to celebrate my co-workers luck and talk her off the ledge when she's feeling stuck because after all, I have 6 months more experience at this than she does.