Wednesday, December 16, 2015

I've moved!

It's time to move! I'm still blogging but I've graduated to middle school so you can find me here:

Thursday, August 13, 2015


You know that Alanis Morisette song? Ironic? 

"A traffic jam when you're already late, a no smoking sign on your cigarette's like 10,000 spoons when all you need is a knife." 

Yeah, that one. 

6 months have passed since I walked away from a career. I knew it was time to go. Every day, I'd look out the window and I swear I'd see a flashing sign that says "You have choices. Stop wasting your life doing something that makes you feel this awful." 

You'd think I was dissecting children for a living. No, I was just selling groceries. Utterly bored and uninspired, but earning a salary. The only thing (well, a couple of people, too) that I dearly miss. 

I had prayed for 4 years (at least) that the company would offer severance packages. I was not quiet about wanting to volunteer for one if the option was ever there. It would be the perfect scenario. I would get a year of salary while I was soul searching. It's easier to figure life out when you don't have to worry about money. My wish never came. And I was so tired of depending on a "what-if" scenario as my escape route. 

Yesterday, the company came through. My favorite co-worker received her golden ticket. The holy grail package. She gets to go and for a year, will be paid to do whatever it is that she wants to do. Did someone just kick me in the stomach? 

There Alanis, put that in your ironic pipe and smoke it.

I have no idea why life works this way but the dots are supposed to connect some day. We all get what we need, but without understanding the larger picture, it's hard not to wonder why it appears to work for some and not others. 

I'm living in envy land right now. When you're self-employed and working alone, you need to find a ladder out of this place. Stat! It's unproductive and self destructing to live here. 

Since I don't know how the dots connect, I'm going to assume that I needed the experience. The thought rungs to get me out of this envy land;

-Maybe I needed the experience to trust my inner whispers enough to make the decision to go without a safety net. 
-the experience to be gutsy, to believe in myself without knowing the future
-maybe I needed the kick so I could have a success story one day that is a testament to "following your inner compass".
-maybe I inspired one other person to act on their heart

I'm not sure of much lately, but I do know we have the power to chose our reactions. Every single one of them. 

I'm going to choose to keep trudging along. To just "do me" and know there has to be something to all this "follow your joy" propaganda. 

I'm going to celebrate my co-workers luck and talk her off the ledge when she's feeling stuck because after all, I have 6 months more experience at this than she does.

Saturday, June 13, 2015

Oxygen Stealers

I've inherited the presence of people in my life. We don't share any DNA, but we do share oxygen about 3 times a year. 

We do not, however, share any of the same values. He doesn't get me, I don't get him. 

I am female and do not share blood so according to his rules of social engagement, I'm usually classified somewhere between fly on a cow's ear and discarded potato peelings.

You get what you give. 

I broke his rules. I quit a job. He can't take it. And now he wants to talk. I can't explain anything to someone who can't control their eyebrows. (Which, at this point, are permanently raised and possibly twitching...)

I can't explain happiness to someone that doesn't ever entertain the possibility of it. I don't know how to explain joy when it's never been a priority. And I certainly can't maintain a conversation when hope and potential isn't in someone's vocabulary.

My ego wants to punch him. My heart wants to give him a hug. My brain wants to prove him wrong. Such a dismal existence. (I realize I'm giving him power by writing this post.)

I've curated a brief list (for him, myself, and anyone else who may have inherited an oxygen stealer in their life) of people who followed their instinct. 

-Walt Disney was a newspaper editor. Quit. (Was actually fired.)

-Ellen Degeneres. Paralegal. Quit.

-Harrison Ford. Carpenter. Quit.

-Ken Jeong (Mr. Chow from the Hangover) Doctor. Quit.

-Joy Behar (host of the View) Teacher. Quit.

-Julia Child. Spy. Quit.

-Martha Stewart. Stockbroker. Quit.

-Jesus. Carpenter. Quit.

(There's that or A very appropos pin..)

Thursday, February 19, 2015

A little "Woo-woo" Going on Around Here..

I'm experiencing a whole lotta "woo-woo" going on in my life. It's almost as if I have to document it for posterity's sake--to remind myself when the beginner's luck runs out, that IT is real. What is "woo-woo", you ask? It's those weird, unexplainable, perfectly timed occurrences that seem to happen at random. Is it luck? Is it fate? Is it the universe? I dunno. Its those moments that make you take note--like there just might be something larger than yourself at work because this coincidence is just too much of a coincidence.

I'm getting ahead of myself......

3 weeks ago, I did it. I resigned from my job. 20 years of service, 8 weeks of vacation, a chunky salary, a company car, a 401K, and medical benefits. (Ummmmmm....I still have moments of what in the hell where you thinking? As I reread this even..)

BUT, I was selling my life hours to do something that was killing my soul. Daily. I hated who I was when I was there. Every day I was on the brink of tears; I was a fraud. I lost any curiosity I had, I was simply existing. I wasn't adding value, I simply didn't care. Every day, waiting until it was time to go home so I could be me. Only by the time the day ended, I was so exhausted from pretending to be high performing, passionate, positive me there wasn't anything left. I wasted entire weeks of my life waiting for it to be Friday. 

You could sum it up into two quotes:
{"When one is pretending, the entire body revolts."  Anais Nin}  
{"She never knew the weight until she felt the freedom." The Scarlet Letter}

Now about the woo-woo. 
Have you read, "The Alchemist" by Paulo Coelho? I have. Twice. The first time, I read it. The second time, I felt it.

Now, I can't stop thinking about it. 

If you're exhausted, just flip to page 24 and 25. ( I have the 25th Anniversary edition so these page #'s may not match if you pick up a different copy...)

" And when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it."

This is the woo-woo. Little universe bread crumbs leading me, reminding me that I made the right decision. That and this weird, light feeling to be excited to get up in the morning again.
I'll keep you posted...

Sunday, January 4, 2015

2015--An analogy.

Last winter, my extended family and I took a trip to Mexico. My husband is not a "beach sitter" like his wife. I could waste a week on a chair, in the sun under a palapa, drinking icy drinks and reading. This man needs adventure. 

We decided that we would spend an "adventure" day--zip lining. Sounded like a good idea-the kids were excited, Mr. was thrilled, and Grandma + Grandpa agreed. 

We arrived at the park, waited in line to get harnessed up, and were given direction to choose course A or course B. We chose Course A and skipped off to get our adrenaline rush for the day. 

The thing about zip lines, that I must've temporarily blocked out, is that they are really high up in the air and this little harness and a steel cable are all that prevented us from plummeting to our death. I don't like risk or heights. Why would I ever agree to this?

We started the climb to the first tower, a spiral staircase millions of miles (or so it felt) up in the air. With each wind of the steps, I heard that voice in my head. The one shouting, "ABORT. ABORT. Turn around NOW. No. NO.NO." (My palms are sweating even now re-telling this story.) 

We continued to wind our way up--the voices still shouting and me, practicing taking deep breaths. We made it to the entrance of the tower. We had to get in line. (Which allowed additional time to think about what I was about to do AND the ability to watch others take their turn.) 

I lost it. The moment I realized I had to step out onto a platform beyond the walls where I was currently standing, with nothing in between me and the Mexican air. There was a half a second of time where you remained untethered and outside the safety of a barrier wall standing at an angle with wet shoes. Lord God help me, I cannot do this. 

I took one look at my husband, and started sobbing uncontrollably. "I'm turning around, I'll meet you at the bottom." "I can't do this." He started to giggle and told me, "You'll be ok." I insisted I wasn't ok. (Meanwhile, everyone in line is staring at me wondering what my problem is. A few random strangers even offered their advice. "You're going to love it. You'll be ok.")

Still convinced that these were my last minutes on earth, and with my children ahead of me in line looking so excited to be here, I focused on watching their expressions when it was their turn to go.  

Be brave. You can do this. I was going to show this family of mine, that I wasn't the "fun killer" they often accuse me of. Shaking in my boots, I stepped over the wall. (Every expletive was screeching in my head and repeating itself over and over again.) The tower guard stopped the voices when he said, "Sit down and enjoy your ride". I sat, and he gave me a little push off the platform.

I looked out above the trees into the sunny Mexican sky, smoothly sailing down this steel cord, and thought to myself. I was terrified of this? I lived. Enjoyed it. and proceeded to do Courses A and B. 

This is me: Tower 3. 

Smiling. With the ability to say, " I did this. I survived. I kicked Fear that day."

This is how I want to feel in 2015. Brave. Fear cannot be the excuse.

I can't remember the movie I was watching, but this story and this quote is a good reminder for this year. 

"Danger is very real. But fear, is a choice." 

Happy New Year!